I’m worried about me most days. I think more than the physical part of my inability to lose weight- but my mental health. New job this year has me asking myself a lot of interior questions about my depression, my fake-it-til-you-make-it attitude… which doesn’t work. At least, not for me.
Thanksgiving I was told by a child that I am “really really fat”… my heart broke. Because I know I am. I don’t want to be but I find myself helpless when trying to control the amount of food that I eat. I want to feel full. I eat until I do. Because there is this giant void inside me and I need to fill it – but I fill it with the wrong things.
I want to rededicate myself to being mindful. I will reach out to a therapist. I’ve never done so before. I’m recommitting to writing my book, my screenplay, and to this blog. I’m not perfect but I will make the steps to be present in my life with activities I love.
Thank you for joining me.
My heart breaks because I’m not there yet. Because my mom had three kids by my age and im no where even close to getting married. Because im fat and in my culture that equals not good enough… not wife material unless youre willing to marry the substandard ugly dumb guy… I’m not kidding. The “chubby chasers” are gross. Or they just want to fuck you and you’re not good enough for more.
A friend of mine in Texas posted an article written by a non mom to her priest regarding mothers day. This part slayed me:
To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be
The article is a little intense if you’ve miscarried or have been wanting kids.
Thanks for reading.
Probably the most expensive diet I’ve ever tried so far.
I’m on Day 3. I want to overeat every day so far. Dukan was a cake walk compared to this $400 diet.
Still, I am going to give it a month and my all. Even if I hate some of the food and I feel like I’m pooping hard marbles every day since I started. (Those of you who shake your head at this probably don’t know what its like to have a healthy poop where you feel 5 lbs lighter)
Update 3/15: Week one – not so fun. I binged over the weekend. Like I wanted real food STAT. I think
Update 3/25: I’m recommitting to the diet because I’m at 272 after getting back up to 276 at the beginning… ugh. I’m so unsatisfied with myself. I need to have a strict chat with my brain or try hypnosis. I also have a ton of bars, shakes, and food. So here I go again.
Medifast 5 and 1 plan: http://www.tsfl.com/how_it_works/medifast5_1.jsp
You have a coach who is available to you. A nutritionist and behavior analyst.
- Lose weight quickly
- Choose 5 meal replacements a day, one every 2-3 hours (I literally put an alarm on my phone)
- Choose from over 70 different, delicious meal replacements such as shakes, soups, bars, hot beverages, hearty choices, cheese puffs, pretzels, pudding, and brownies. (I will review the ones I like)
- Each has virtually the same nutrition profile designed to meet all your vitamin, mineral and nutrient needs
- Eat 1 Lean & Green Meal when it’s most convenient (Lean & Green = lean protein + a vegetable) I have to have this for lunch because when I get home I’m too tired
- Create a fat burning state in your body while feeling full and satisfied
- Meal replacements are convenient and can be used on-the-go
Update 3/29: Got rid of the big autorenew kit ($390) and chose things that I think I will like. With the discount my next month of food and shakes in $170 with shipping. Not too shabby. I still add protein and veggies for my lean and green meals. I have been shopping at Aldi and getting chicken and shrimp on sale and keeping them in the freezer. I’m also getting frozen veggie deals for a $1 a bag.
I’d really be the worst bulimic on the planet. I can’t make myself puke if I tried. It really takes being severely sick to puke or really drunk. Let’s just say that Saturday I drank A LOT. Like wtf. Ugh.
Diet wise I crashed and burned this past weekend. I ate everything but in small quantities. I’m down to 270.4. So really interesting. I just wish I felt better today. I puked at work after eating some of the enchiladas I made. I feel ughhhhh.
I’m starting a new program next week that uses medifast and Octavia. I need to go back to no brainer eating. I’ll let you guys know the details once I get situated with the 5 weeks of food.
I can’t express how frustrated I am with my weight loss yet everything in my personal life has gone topsy turvy and right side up.
So the guy who told me I was too fat to marry is now my ex. I won’t say that part of me isn’t sad but I’m relieved that that huge cloud of negativity is gone. It’s shocking what we say in anger to each other. I didn’t get mad but he said some choice things in his anger and my low self-esteem put hooks into it and held on. And I’m lucky. I am. Because I knew he was a dead end. I knew deep down that if you can’t love yourself then you can love someone else. So I made myself available on other mediums to meet a good guy. And I did. He tells me I’m beautiful and after years of being told I have a “pretty face” I believe him. And it was hard to do so in the beginning. He hugs me and holds me with everything he’s got. It’s an amazing feeling. I’m beyond thankful that someone good has come into my life.
Now the frustration is with my weight loss. I’ve plateaued 2 weeks now. Lent begins today. I’m thinking vegan for 40 days. Idk. Debating it. My knees are fucked up from a scavenger hunt I did in DC 3 weeks ago and I over used my knees. So they ache and my bakers cyst blew up. Argh!!! So debating doing medifast too. My friends have had crazy results. Dukan has been amazing but so tough to stick to. Maybe after lent I’ll look into the Dukan 2 diet.
I hope you are well. Take care of yourselves.
I need to go back and look at my days. Today is a protein and veggies day. I’ve packed my lunch and I entered it all on my fitness pal. Lunch and breakfast 484 calories. And I packed a lot!
I weighed in this morning at 275.7. I feel good and things are looser for sure. Goal for this week is to get to the gym at least 3 times. I’m going to focus on strength training rather than just cardiovascular. I feel like I’m still too heavy and I worry about stressing out my knee or making it worse. My sugars this morning were at 116. I think they are leveling down a lot considering they used to be 130 in the morning.
I’m sick of hard boiled eggs and sick of chicken. I’m going to research more recipes with fish and shrimp and slow cooker choices.
I’ve been making soups with bone broth chicken and steak with shirataki noodles. Really yummy. And really filling. I’ve lost my appetite tho. It’s so weird. Like I feel like I’m only hungry once or twice a day. I kinda make myself snack on something. I realize more than ever how much eating and boredom go hand in hand for me. I’m looking forward to shedding this weight slow but surely.
I have to look at my calendar but I finished Attack phase on Sunday. My job sent me to an impromptu training Monday and Tuesday and I broke the diet a little bit. I did a PP day yesterday and today is PV. I weighed in at 276.4 this morning but I didn’t have time to check my sugars. I’ll make sure I do it tomorrow morning. Aunt Flo is visiting and I’m pretty miserable. Really fast and heavy. Sorry for the tmi.
So far the lessons of this diet have been: you can get sick of food in large quantities and never want to eat it again. Tea is your best friend in winter to get your water intake up. Everything in Palm size portions. I’m really not that hungry anymore. I realized I never was. Just mindless eating to fill the time. I ordered bonebroth from Thrive market. I had a cup of it like tea last night. It was interesting. Idk. I’m sleeping better which is a plus. Not quite as well as I would like to be.
That’s about it. Just little by little doing my best. I do feel like an addict. The temptation to eat everything in sight is always there.