Another day, another year… same path

I’m worried about me most days. I think more than the physical part of my inability to lose weight- but my mental health. New job this year has me asking myself a lot of interior questions about my depression, my fake-it-til-you-make-it attitude… which doesn’t work. At least, not for me.

Thanksgiving I was told by a child that I am “really really fat”… my heart broke. Because I know I am. I don’t want to be but I find myself helpless when trying to control the amount of food that I eat. I want to feel full. I eat until I do. Because there is this giant void inside me and I need to fill it – but I fill it with the wrong things.

I want to rededicate myself to being mindful. I will reach out to a therapist. I’ve never done so before. I’m recommitting to writing my book, my screenplay, and to this blog. I’m not perfect but I will make the steps to be present in my life with activities I love.


Thank you for joining me.


Reverse Psychology

Seems when I tell myself that I am going on a diet I end up eating and binge eating at that, everything in sight. I feel like when I tell my plans or pour my heart out to my close friends I end up doing the opposite of my plans. I feel like I’m hardwired to fail and to fail spectacularly.

I decided to come back to blogging instead of talking it out with others. I found a Weight Watchers meeting that I want to go to this week. I’m debating to find an OA group but I’m still in enough denial that I don’t want to hear anyone’s sad story. I’m trying to work through that. I know I will hear stories that mirror my own and I’m not prepared psychologically to hear it and not run home or to a fast food place and binge.

I went to the grocery store yesterday and got a ton of food for the Dukan attack phase. I slow cooked a pork loin and I have chicken tenders in the slow cooker now. This week I just want to snack on proteins and follow the attack phase. I enjoyed the Dukan diet when I did it back in 2012. I lost 13 kilos then.

I appreciate constructive and positive feedback. But if I feel comments are to stress me out I will prob delete them. I’m going to blog the journey and hopefully my reverse psychology will work.

Be safe and take care of yourself.


New Year Old You


#NewYearNewMe is such b.s. We have to accept ourselves “as is” first before making plans to improve ourselves. I am full of self doubt, loneliness, critical of myself and others, lazy – too lazy to even take my diabetes meds properly. My only accomplishment last year health wise was dropping my A1C to 6.4. I lost weight but gained it back. Lost again, gained it back. Joined Weight Watchers in November, haven’t been to one meeting yet. I’m the worst at keeping steady and accountable. I infuriate myself with doing this yet I feel helpless to change.

The ex and I have been talking again. I understand more now of where he is coming from and his frustration with me. His version of “tough love” to get me motivated didn’t work. I told him I need support not tough love. I’ve had enough abusive like words from my family to last me a lifetime.

So this year I haven’t made any resolutions. I’m going to live my life day to day and try to break my habits by being conscious of them and my choices everyday. It’s the only solution that I can see. As I approach food or just walking… I need to be present. That’s my gift to myself.

Be well everyone. Never give up.


Sunday fun day…

Today was my day off… I took it to heart because I killed my feet with strappy sandals on Saturday and now I have 2 gigantic blisters that hurt like F. My dad decided to help me by bringing me bandaids and his version of windex… iodine. Now I look like I have patchy jaundice leprosy.

Seems I’m also allergic to mosquito bites and the result is they turn into scratchy wounds that once I go after it bleed. A lot.

I’m on track with my pills. Pooping was a slight issue this morning and I realized I hadn’t number two’d yesterday so I sat and waited. Nothing. Then I did a suppository and relief was mine. Idk if it’s the probiotics  (prob) but I am still gassy. Which only goes to show you that after years of abuse the eviction process is tough. And I’m from Baltimore so I can only imagine how tough my gut bacteria is. Straight outta strength. 

I ate super healthy, Made a shrimp and rice pilaf, vegetables, grilled cod, grilled burgers, fruit, Greek salad. All healthy choices. Then I effed up a s’more pop tart. Ok I’m human. I wanted chocolate. I walked the dog later as my extra.

Tomorrow is the first day of my new job in dc. I’m super nervous and my sleep schedule is shit. I will attempt to sleep by 11pm and up at 5am. It’s possible.

I weighed myself. Not the results I wanted. 290. I’m blaming the work outs not  the pop tart.

Take care of yourselves.



Mad hatter day…

Today felt like tea with the Mad Hatter.

9am I’m awake, jump in the shower, forget to grab a towel, find a towel after dripping everywhere, slide and almost die, break a nail, go to grab an Emory board, drop hot pink gel nail polish and it breaks and goes everywhere looking like I just slaughtered a care bear. I cleaned up what I can but…

Luckily I buy things on sale. 

930am rush to the gym to meet the trainer to create a program for me. The trainer called in hung over and didn’t come to work so I met with the general manager and she was awesome, but a little tiny dictator. I did strength training and my first ever dead lifts. I’m dying right now. No joke. Though the best joke was she made me do “good girl, bad girls” you know the machines where you work on inner and outer thighs and butter? I’ll let you figure out which is good girl and which is bad girl. I’m obviously a bad girl.

12noon head to the hibachi grill with a friend. I can barely eat. I managed to eat vegetables and shrimp and some fish. Jello for dessert. Seriously kinda let down that I couldn’t pig out but lesson learned. I know this may make me sound like a pig but I love Chinese food. I’m glad I couldn’t pig out.

230pm return home and go to ikea with my roommate to go get her new wardrobe. Like 100 pieces. So walked all of ikea top and bottom. Lifted giant boxes and played push the drunk cart. That was heavy and super hard to commandeer as it listed to the right and almost sent things crashing down. I also had to run to the bathroom and blow it up. Immediate relief after. I’m thinking this is definitely probiotics doing something. In amazing news I avoided the hot dog, cinnamon bun and ice cream for the first time there. (Brushes shoulder off)

430pm return from ikea with 2 overloaded cars. I’m still ticking energizer bunny style whereas I would normally be passed out on the floor dying. (I drank a liter of water a d put my feet up on the couch for 15 mins) Somehow I’m able to help unload the car despite crying muscles and then head to the man’s house to swim and get in the jacuzzi. I should truly be dead to the world about now… I got there at…

630pm and it’s now 1130 and I’ve been drinking,  eating French cuisine, and sharing dessert w/the man on the Georgetown waterfront. I had 2 spoons of it and didn’t want anymore.

 I know what happens in the morning.
I will need a forklift to get out of bed.

I really don’t get how TF I have this energy to keep going.

Pedometer read 10152 steps. This doesn’t include 20mins arc elliptical and 2 hours swimming in the pool.

Belly is still flat despite pigging out on Belgian French food.


Past is present

So, in the past I have tried everything. Personal training, gym, Zumba, Dukan Diet, Paleo, South Beach, Nutrisystem, Pills of all sorts… every thing imaginable. I’d be Gung ho in the beginning and fizzle TF out fast.

Last evening, I took 4 pills. See the previous post. I then had some dinner and felt full fast. Ok… then, I went out in the muggy heat of evening and helped my roommate mow the lawn. I cleaned our disgusting shed. I trimmed hedges. I moved a log pile. I took the trash and recycling out to the curb and then sprayed the lawn with turf builder back and front. Like who the heck was I?

OK I am NOT claiming these pills did that. I feel like shit today. But I think like children, the bad organisms were like “we’ll be good promise! Don’t take any more!” And when I did this morning’s dosage the gut bomb went off and I’ve been in bed soooo sleepy all day. So if you decide to do this (and we are all different) just in case plan on doing it the day before you have nothing to do. Poop has been an issue too. (I promised complete candor, and you will get it.) This morning nothing but marbles. I made myself sit on the pot at 2pm and got some lines out. I def feel like I’ve got plenty more to get out but I’ll let my digestive enzymes and probiotics work their magical eviction. I had breakfast this morning at 9am and my pills. It’s 2:40pm and I’ve slept the day away and I’m not hungry at all. I feel like I want to take a healthy poop but that it’s not ready. I did my weight yesterday morning at 289lbs. I just weighed myself at 287.7lbs. My tummy is flat at the moment which my fat friends know is a great feeling. Bloat sucks.

I’ll check in later.

6:41pm update:

Sooo… I forced myself to get up and go out. Once I got moving it was a chain reaction and I got some energy and suddenly I was doing stuff. I went and joined a gym! I found a 24/7 gym near me because I’m very unconventional and hey, who wouldn’t want to jump on the treadmill at 1am? And, wait for it, I signed up to meet with the personal trainer tomorrow at 930am. Who am I? Seriously!? Usually doing anything like this requires a herculean effort and then I give up and go get ice cream or something. Again. I do not attribute this to the pills. There is no way 1.5 days of pills have given me energy and stopped cravings.

Also, I dropped a toilet bomb and my lower abdomen went in 1.5 inches. No joke.

Breakfast: 2 eggo waffles with 2 tbs of syrup ( don’t judge) 16 Oz water, Pills

Lunch/Dinner: Steamed MD shrimp 6, turkey/cheese/kale on French roll and a diet coke.

8:06pm update:

my gut is going a little nuts. gotta run to the bathroom… drank a liter of water too. like legit gulped it down. Not a huge water fan but I’m suddenly very thirsty for it.


The four…

So in my previous post I left you guys a link to what a bariatric surgeon in California says we should use in order to lose weight. I got my order today. Thank you Amazon Prime (and thanks dad for letting me use it!)

1. Digestive Enzymes – I got the Americana Made Digestive Matrix this is one pill twice a day with food.

Digestive enzymes help the body to properly digest the food it is given thereby resulting in increased energy as well as weight loss and an overall feeling of health and wellness. This proprietary blend of digestive enzyme contains 18 varieties which work together to digest various food groups such as sugar, dairy, proteins, carbohydrates, fiber, and plant walls. This results in feeling lighter and prevents issues such as constipation Many people do not realize how important a balanced gut is. Sensations such as bloating fatigue and cramps often result from insufficient food digestion and nutrient absorption. This enzymatic therapy vitamin will make you feel light and full of energy.

2. Probiotic with at least 10 billion – I got the Rima Power Pro 40 Billion Probiotic Natural Formula this is 1capsule in the morning and 1 in the evening.

Power 40 billion probiotics veggie caps provide a balanced and high potency selection of probiotics, live cultures which help restore and maintain the balance of bacteria in the gut, which in consequence help restore health. Effective for men and women. Probiotics, the good bacteria, which suppresses the growth of unwanted, harmful bacteria.

Four select probiotics make part of this formula:

Lactobacillus acidophilus (La-14): Found in the oral cavity, the small intestine, and the vaginal epithelium. It helps break down sugars in the digestive track. Helps control growth of candida, and treats vaginal infections. It is helpful for people with lactose intolerance, because it produces the enzyme lactase which breaks down lactose, the sugar in milk. Increases immune system response.

Bifidobacterium lactis (BI-04): Stimulates immune response. Also fights infections. Helps in decreasing lactose intolerance with continued use. Improves digestion: Effective in resisting acid digestion. Relieves constipation with continued use. Helps decrease colon inflammation.

Lactobacillus plantarum (Lp-115): Creates a barrier in the colon, to protect against harmful bacteria. Controls the growth of yeast, molds and bacteria by creating an unfavorable environment for its growth. Promotes digestive health. Studies suggest it could be an effective treatment for irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), Crohn’s disease, and colitis with continued use

Lactobacillus paracasei (Lpc 37): Immunomodulating Activity, Dental Health Improves energy levels and alleviates chronic fatigue. Lowers cholesterol. Vegan capsules, Made in the USA. Includes the prebiotic FOS, Fructooligosaccharides, to feed and keep the probiotics alive.

3. Caralluma Fimbriata – I got the NutriRise Caralluma Fimbriata Concentrated Formula 1000mg. This is one capsule twice a day about 20 to 30 mins before your meal with 8oz of water. I set a reminder on my phone.

Caralluma 1000 MG is a 100% natural weight loss supplement, appetite suppressant and carb blocker. It works by first, signalling to the hypothalamus in the brain that you feel full – helping you eat less. Second, it STOPS fat cells from forming. The two together make a powerful 1-2 punch for weight loss!

4. Green Tea – I got the cheapest one but had rave reviews Jarrow Formulas Water Extracted Green Tea with 50% polyphenols and 30% catechins.

Jarrow FORMULAS Green Tea 500 is water extracted and consists of 50% polyphenols, including 30% catechins, approximately 15% of which is the important EGCG fraction. The polyphenols in green tea are potent antioxidants and support cardiovascular and immune health.

So I have taken the afternoon doses. I’m going to have dinner in about 30 mins. Day .5 lol

I’m excited to see how this will go. I will do my weight and measurements in the morning.