Slow roll…

I was thinking about how drastic the changes have been in the past two weeks. Yet… I’ve never felt better. Wtf? How did this happen? Yesterday I ate well… even sneaked a slice of bread with my chicken tortilla soup… And I got on a bike and cycled up and down the street with my Viking goddess roommate. Have to give props to my roommate for being so supportive. I’m very thankful for her. Anyways, I was on a BICYCLE. We’re talking not since middle school… And I’m 284 pounds people. Mind blown.

I’m not going to put myself down as I would probably make a wise crack that it was humpty dumpty on a bike. But I am going to express my pride that I fucking rode a bike and competently. I’m excited to get to the point where I take my bike to the lake and ride the trails. #springgoals

My Jenny Craig coach Debbie asked me what my practical goals were for the next 12 weeks. I thought about it and I told her that I’m not expecting a miracle and I don’t dream of being a stick but I would like to be a size 16 or a size 14 and get nice clothes to wear. I’m hoping for a steady but slow roll into getting healthy so that I can keep it off and continue to feel good and have higher energy levels.

March 17 I started at 296.6. March 30 I am 283. I have an extraordinary long road ahead of me. And saying those numbers out loud make me cringe in embarrassment. How did I get here? And the only answer I have is “a slow roll of not paying attention.”

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Practice Mindfulness

I tend to worry a lot. The past couple months I have been taking opportunities to de-stress and it feels like the world is ramping up the stress on me!

Meanwhile, I’m mid-week of week 2 on Jenny Craig. I’m 11 pounds down. So far the food have been great. No complaints. BUT… I’m sick of eating! No joke. I am tired of eating every few hours. I never thought I’d say that as I’ve got a turkey burger and garden salad in front of me. The struggle is real and I’m trying not to let this stress me out. Because it kinda is! My body is going through a lot of changes. Clean eating is rough on a body used to eating junk daily. There have been moments that I’m queasy. Moments of running to the bathroom to dump fast. Been nauseous a few mornings too and no I’m not pregnant. I get that I am stressing my body either way – whether I eat like shit or fast transition to eating well. So, I’m being mindful of every bite. I’m not forcing myself to finish. And for the first time in forever I know what feeling hungry feels like… and I’m eating slow and feeling full afterwards. Who knew right?

I will say this for Jenny Craig. That is one expensive bitch. I never thought I’d be spending $200 a week for food. I think that’s part of why I’m sticking to it. Because this is so expensive but it’s more expensive to be sick and tired all the time! I’ve committed to the 12-week Rapid Results program for $16 and $100 off your foods (total over 12 weeks). I def need to find new salad dressings that meet the program. Please send me suggestions.

 

A time for change…

I last wrote on February 5, 2018. I’ve been composing in my mind ever since because my wordpress app doesn’t show my blog for some reason. It shows everything else though.

Since Feb 5, I have lost 11 pounds. It took almost 2 months, plantar faciitis and dog cancer for me to get my brain and life in order. To take the hardest look within myself and ask tough questions and really listen to the answers from my psyche.

My feet started to hurt really badly that first week of February. Like could barely walk. I wanted to cry every time I had to get up and walk anywhere. Even walking over to the printer, a cubicle over. I bought shoe inserts and wore compression socks to no avail. I knew I need to make changes.

Then my dog was diagnosed with osteosarcoma. He’s almost 13 years old. They wanted thousands of dollars to amputate and do chemo only to extend his life by months. I love my pup so much. He’s been my constant companion for these almost 13 years. I wanted to dive into food face first and live in a food-coma forever at the thought of losing my best friend. I realized that food is my crutch, now, more-so than ever. Something had to give.

Image result for fat shameExcuses- I used to say- “But I don’t eat a lot!” “My metabolism is slow” “It’s my genetics- my whole family is fat!” and a number of other excuses. Now, don’t get me wrong- I have not joined the fat shamers and haters. I will never do that. I’m speaking for myself and the excuses that I gave for being the weight that I am. I would eat an entire bag of SunChips and pretend that was a “healthy snack” and continue with my day. I’d drink 3-5 cappuccino in a day and think it’s only 8 oz. so it’s not much. It is.

On March 13, I was fed up and really close to 300 lbs. Like realllllyyy close. My company had a huge public event that Friday and I went clothes shopping at Dress Barn with my tall, svelte, blonde goddess roommate. I was trying on 3X clothes for the first time in public. My FUPA on full display in every outfit that I tried on. A low lying bulge that hung down over my p—y. I put on a facade of humorous bravado and bought $200 worth of new clothes that fit me in 3X. Three. Fucking. Ex. (Not hating on ppl who wear that size. I’m hating on the size for me – because it still looked terrible on me! WTF!?)

I don’t make crazy money but I decided to make a drastic change and invest in myself. I made a spur of the moment choice and joined Jenny Craig. I had done Nutrisystem, Optavia, Dukan, Atkins, and Weight Watchers in the past and lose a few pounds but always quit and went back to my old habits. I needed something that took the thinking out of meals for the day and was crazy expensive enough that I would take it seriously-until I can sort out my brain and emotional eating. So, I met with my coach Debbie on March 17th at 8:20am and she made me write a letter to my future self. This was for any time that I was giving up or felt like I couldn’t do more. So I took the time and wrote a brutal letter to myself. I wrote my weight in the first sentence. I mentioned the 3X. And I said don’t give up on yourself ever. Remember the pain in your feet. Remember you’re diabetic. Remember most of all that YOU ARE WORTH LOVING AND BEING LOVED MOST ESPECIALLY YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOU. Then, I made a self-depreciating fat joke…

Image result for fat shame

and Debbie looked at me and said, “Don’t do that. There are plenty of people out there who will do that for you. You’re job is to build yourself up and believe in yourself.” And I sat there speechless. I was used to putting myself down to make others more comfortable in my mind. I didn’t realize that my thoughts and words were part of the problem. That was my last fat joke and put down. There really are enough people out there who want to shame me and put me down. I won’t be one of them.