I last wrote on February 5, 2018. I’ve been composing in my mind ever since because my wordpress app doesn’t show my blog for some reason. It shows everything else though.
Since Feb 5, I have lost 11 pounds. It took almost 2 months, plantar faciitis and dog cancer for me to get my brain and life in order. To take the hardest look within myself and ask tough questions and really listen to the answers from my psyche.
My feet started to hurt really badly that first week of February. Like could barely walk. I wanted to cry every time I had to get up and walk anywhere. Even walking over to the printer, a cubicle over. I bought shoe inserts and wore compression socks to no avail. I knew I need to make changes.
Then my dog was diagnosed with osteosarcoma. He’s almost 13 years old. They wanted thousands of dollars to amputate and do chemo only to extend his life by months. I love my pup so much. He’s been my constant companion for these almost 13 years. I wanted to dive into food face first and live in a food-coma forever at the thought of losing my best friend. I realized that food is my crutch, now, more-so than ever. Something had to give.
Excuses- I used to say- “But I don’t eat a lot!” “My metabolism is slow” “It’s my genetics- my whole family is fat!” and a number of other excuses. Now, don’t get me wrong- I have not joined the fat shamers and haters. I will never do that. I’m speaking for myself and the excuses that I gave for being the weight that I am. I would eat an entire bag of SunChips and pretend that was a “healthy snack” and continue with my day. I’d drink 3-5 cappuccino in a day and think it’s only 8 oz. so it’s not much. It is.
On March 13, I was fed up and really close to 300 lbs. Like realllllyyy close. My company had a huge public event that Friday and I went clothes shopping at Dress Barn with my tall, svelte, blonde goddess roommate. I was trying on 3X clothes for the first time in public. My FUPA on full display in every outfit that I tried on. A low lying bulge that hung down over my p—y. I put on a facade of humorous bravado and bought $200 worth of new clothes that fit me in 3X. Three. Fucking. Ex. (Not hating on ppl who wear that size. I’m hating on the size for me – because it still looked terrible on me! WTF!?)
I don’t make crazy money but I decided to make a drastic change and invest in myself. I made a spur of the moment choice and joined Jenny Craig. I had done Nutrisystem, Optavia, Dukan, Atkins, and Weight Watchers in the past and lose a few pounds but always quit and went back to my old habits. I needed something that took the thinking out of meals for the day and was crazy expensive enough that I would take it seriously-until I can sort out my brain and emotional eating. So, I met with my coach Debbie on March 17th at 8:20am and she made me write a letter to my future self. This was for any time that I was giving up or felt like I couldn’t do more. So I took the time and wrote a brutal letter to myself. I wrote my weight in the first sentence. I mentioned the 3X. And I said don’t give up on yourself ever. Remember the pain in your feet. Remember you’re diabetic. Remember most of all that YOU ARE WORTH LOVING AND BEING LOVED MOST ESPECIALLY YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOU. Then, I made a self-depreciating fat joke…
and Debbie looked at me and said, “Don’t do that. There are plenty of people out there who will do that for you. You’re job is to build yourself up and believe in yourself.” And I sat there speechless. I was used to putting myself down to make others more comfortable in my mind. I didn’t realize that my thoughts and words were part of the problem. That was my last fat joke and put down. There really are enough people out there who want to shame me and put me down. I won’t be one of them.