Through the looking glass but looking harder

I’ve lost track of time and accountability. I was using this blog to get back to me and face myself. I am my own worst enemy. In a world where we expect people to tell us “oh it’s ok” or “tomorrow is another day” and even “you can do this” I find myself wanting the naysayer with a bullhorn going after me saying “remember the last time you tried and failed? You keep fucking this up!” Not that I have some deep rooted s&m punish me thing .. but nothing is working for me. I find myself going up and down. Back and forth and all over the place. It’s maddening! I want to lose the weight on my own but I feel like I sabotage any progress I make. I got down to 279 and I went to ocean city and ate like a fool for 2 days and came back at 282. It’s monday… I’m recommitting to this blog and I’m recommitting to eating well from today on. I am literally killing myself with food. I don’t think that has really sunk in for me. 

In other news, im officially diabetic with a 6.7 a1c and 111 morning blood glucose test. I have high triglycerides and the statin they prescribed me made me sick so no dairy and red meat for a while. Im seeing a nutritionist and hopefully she can steer me in the right direction. If anything has worked for you I’m open to ideas and suggestions. I’m thinking of joining weight watchers or Jenny Craig. I did Nutrisystem last year and lost 40lbs but their food tastes like dog food to me now. My cousin suggested the two day fasting diet where you fast to 500 calories twice a week or month? I can’t remember. Have to look at it later.

Take care guys.